And then I cried

Last week, Ann Voskamp wrote a post entitled “Seekers, Repenters, and Love” and I do not really have an idea why, but it touched a nerve and I cried….at work….surrounded by students.  Luckily, there are spaces in a library devoid of student activity and I quickly went there in search of a book and to finish the tears. 

There was a time, a long time ago, I decided I will never cry again.  That day, I became the mask and decided I will never allow anyone to hurt me again.  In a sense, I killed who I was.  From that day onwards, I was the good friend, the one who was there for people, but never allowed anybody close.  I stayed in the shadows.  I knew I was worthless.  Other people had value, but not me.  I carried this burden, always smiling, always looking happy. 

And then one day God came and told me He loves me.  I told Him He was nuts.  I can understand Him loving other people, but me??  Come on!!  Why me?  I fought Him, tooth and nail.  But He tends to be persistend and I lost the battle.  Since then, He dit that Ezekiel 36:26 thing where He “give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”  And slowly the crying became more….and more frequently.  These days I’m useless when I try to stop the tears. 

Tears.  Salty water.  Funny enough, I’ve seen more healing taking place with tears than with good advice.  Perhaps I should tell you this story…

A few years back, we had this weekend camp where we introduce God the Father to people.  Somewhere along the weekend, we give people time to share their hurt and ask God to heal them.  There was this guy(let’s call him John) who came forward and shared how a few years back, his best friend commited suicide in front of him with his gun and how he felt responsible for his friend’s death.  This event shattered his life and it effected him in ways that he did not understand.  His marriage was falling apart and he did not know what to do.  There were about 30 of us crammed into a small room.  We prayed and asked God to do what He wants in this person’s life.  We sat on a bed and I remember a great sadness coming over me.  I went on my knees, held his shoulders tight and I began to cry.  Big drops of tears began to fell on him and my crying increased in intensity.  I remember thinking after a while, whats going on?  I’m bawling.  I cried till his back was soaked with tears.  I could not stop.  All the while, the sadness stayed.  After a while wailing stopped.  Then the tears became less and less.  Finally I looked up.  I was a mess.  Everybody was in tears.  He looked up…and smiled.  God, our Father, is a good God.  The sadness was gone.   I’m not sure what happened, but it felt like God came and with His tears, washed away John’s sadness.  (Don’t ever believe that God doesn’t feel what you feel.)  Without any advice, John’s life was changed.

There is more to this story.

One of my friends told John that God said their marriage was like the three little pigs’ story.  First, they relied on straw and then they relied on wood, but now God will give the a house of bricks.  His wife laughed and said that this camp was their last try for their marriage.  They have been seperated twice before.

That’s about it.  It’s been 6 years since.  Two weeks ago, I spoke to John’s wife and the bond between them is stronger than ever.  It seems their marriage finally found a home made of bricks 🙂

Tears.  Salty water.  It’s one of the reasons we are the church.  To hold people tight and let God love them… with His tears.

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